They keep the truth hidden, locked away until the last minute. They want to rob you of your right to choose.
Am I a government conspiracy nutjob? No. I'm a Hollywood conspiracy nutjob.
Screen Gems, a subsidiary of Sony Pictures, is the studio responsible for marketing and distributing last weekend's slasher film "Prom Night."
This is how I perceive the studio's plan for the movie: They hired a hack screenwriter known for awful straight to DVD sequels like "8MM 2" and "Sniper 3," employed a cheap gun-for-hire TV drama director, added in a few busty teens for good measure and kept the gore to a minimum for that coveted, teen-friendly PG-13 rating.
Once they made the film, they decided not to screen it for critics. They did this to keep the public from knowing they willingly created a wretched movie, painted it with name recognition and dolled it up with low cut dresses, handsome boys in tuxedos and a few shiny, blood-encrusted blades.
"Prom Night" is a remake of the 80s slasher flick of the same name. Jonathan "my-flaring-nostrils-do-the-acting-for-me" Schaech plays a high school teacher who is obsessed with one of his students, Brittany Snow ("American Dreams"). The movie opens with Schaech killing her family. Shortly after the authorities catch him, he is sent to a maximum-security prison cell with conveniently accessible air vents. Three years later, he escapes just in time to terrorize Snow and her friends on their prom night at a swanky, high-brow hotel.
When the detective who caught Schaech the first time around tells Snow's replacement parents he escaped, they decide not to call her so she can enjoy her "special" night.
"There is no reason to think he would come after her," the detective said.
Really? This guy cut the eyes out from Snow's pictures, making dozens of serial killer scrapbooks. He killed her mother, father and brother. He spent three years obsessing about her and yet, there is no reason for him to come after her?
Also, when Schaech was first terrorizing her, he had a ratty beard and long hair. While in prison, he cut his hair and shaved the beard. And guess what picture the cop handed to the hotel's desk clerk - a picture of the killer looking like Charles Manson.
"Have you seen this man?" asked the detective.
"No, sir," said the clerk.
Hell, I hadn't seen that man either! I saw a man who knew how to shave, not Jerry Freakin' Garcia!
I could fill these pages with all of the nonsense they used, but just imagine the very worst horror film possible and you'll have a vague idea of "Prom Night"'s buffoonery.
Well, the studio's plan worked. By keeping the press away and a lid on bad word of mouth, they had a big opening weekend of $22.7 million. With a budget of $18 million, they made a profit of $4.7 million in just three days.
They knew the film was awful, but they had to insure a massive opening because once word of mouth broke, "Prom Night" would chase potential viewers away like a psychotic schoolteacher with a knife and a fresh shave.
We are being lied to. Almost every time you hear about a major studio refusing to screen a film for critics, it is the machination of a greedy, immoral studio. They are stealing our money. This is larceny, plain and simple.
At the core of the very system we rely on for our entertainment, money-hungry executives lurk, preying on those they view as lesser, mindless people.
However, people will talk this week. This review, along with countless others, will lambast "Prom Night," and next weekend, the grosses will plummet.
But in about three months, people will forget the negative buzz. And that's when the DVD will sneak onto video store shelves. It'll be the same scenario, but by then, they will have a solid profit.
The worst part about all of this is that it shows other studios that the plan works. And they will keep doing it until we all get wise. So, anytime you hear about a film not screening for critics, stay away. Let us brave the theaters. We will tell you the truth. We will protect you and your hard-earned money from the psycho-killer schoolteachers.
